Playlouder - Music is the Network

According to unreliable sources, Alex James is making a return to the music industry, fronting a band called 'And You Will Know Us By The Relentless Trail of Death'.

When asked about the new band's sound, he apparently said something vaguely to the effect of: "It's a war... It's a relentless trail of death, it's just not stopping."

Since leaving the country to film a documentary about cheesemaking in Latin America (AKA America, Division 2) the cheeky bassist has been exposed to a lot more of the celebrated drug cocaine than his previous years as a scarecrow in Ambridge, Borsetshire afforded him.

When asked about cheese, being a scarecrow, and illegal drugs, Mr. James would probably, (had we bothered to verify these statements), have said: "There's no point in moralising... It's part of an education process."

When asked about whether or not Blur would reform, Alex (not necessarily James) snorted eight lines of coke on the spot, lifted a cow over his head, sort of like Atlas - but with a cow, ripped open its stomach and showered in its entrails, before saying: "Who gives a fuck?"

As regards the controversial drugs trade accidentally explored in the aforementioned documentary, the former bassist of Seymour, now, for the sake of argument, on the end of a mobile phone, probably after running miles through sweaty rainforests chewing coca leaves to carry an abusive message to a neighbouring tribe at the oasis, would probably, hypothetically have said, through the crackling of a sketchy signal:

"(Cocaine taking) is implicit in a celebrity rock and roll lifestyle. It's... acceptable. It's... a victimless crime... taking drugs."

I think we've all learned something from that.